What if Sarah Went REALLY Batty?
by TehMarishal
Summary: A crackish, "what if" story from Team Milky Way. Not to be taken seriously, co-authored with HK. Sarah has decided she doesn't want to die. So she schemes to take over the Normandy and developes her own nutty agenda.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_This story is not meant to be taken seriously. HK and I simply felt like being goofy, so we are doing this as a crack-ish fic. It takes place during the events of Team Milky Way, as a goofy crack "what if" scenario. Expect extreme whackyness as this proceeds._

**(Sarah)**

I had had enough. More than enough, in fact. I was sick and tired of this stupid ship, this stupid mission, and even Shepard and the entire crew. And soon I was just going to die at the hands of the Collectors.

Well, maybe I wasn't going to sit idly by and wait for the Collectors to take me away and turn me into a human milkshake, as Abby put it. Maybe I was sick and tired of this entire life on this ship. I was never meant to be a soldier anyway... Kasumi had been right about that.

I quietly paced my quarters, thinking about everything that had happened. The only real reason why Shepard kept me around, especially after the Tuchanka incident, was because she wanted to keep her little backup psychic around.

That's all that I really was, right? Just a backup for HK and Abby, because I was stupid and crazy. That's how everybody saw me. Well, maybe I could show all of them just how stupid and crazy I could really be! What happened on Tuchanka would be nothing compared to what I could do.

Gritting my teeth and clenching my hands at my sides, I stormed out of my quarters. If anybody had a problem with me leaving my quarters while I wasn't working on cleaning the deck, they could go to Hell. Or throw me in the brig. Or whatever.

Who said I needed to be quiet? Abby and HK, that was who! I didn't need to be quiet about anything. I could easily use some of my knowledge to my advantage, one way or another. Maybe I could find a way to twist things around to my advantage... or get off this ship. One or another.

I found myself heading toward Thane's quarters, and I walked in without even knocking. Shepard, HK, Abby, Garrus and Miranda were off on the dead Reaper, getting that IFF thing. That just meant I needed to make my move quickly... whatever I was going to do.

Who knows? Maybe fortune would smile down on me for once.

"Hiya, Thane!" I greeted chipperly as I skipped into the room, grinning like an idiot. I saw him glance in my direction; obviously I'd interrupted his meditations.

"Sarah," he greeted calmly, like he always did. "Did you need something?"

"I just wanted to talk," I said, and then I moved around to sit at the table across from him. I'd heard somewhere that Thane seemed to revere me, Abby and HK as being agents of the gods or something, so... perhaps I could play on that a bit.

"You know that I know the future, right?" I said slowly, leaning forward and looking straight into his eyes. "What if I offered to give you a little... inside information? You know, a secret." I grinned wickedly.

Thane raised an eyebrow. "Only if you think it is in my best interest; I would not prefer to alter the fabric of time," he replied.

I made a show of glancing left and right, as if I were about to reveal some big huge secret and didn't want anyone to overhear. Of course that was ridiculous, considering we were alone in Thane's quarters... though I guess EDI was always listening.

"Shepard isn't as great as you think she is," I said quietly. "In fact... in my visions, I see her as a bit of a player. I mean... I've seen her flirting with Garrus, Jacob, even you. Oh yeah, and Kelly as well, if she chooses to go that far. And in one of my visions-one of the ways that reality could play out... she could play everyone I mentioned."

I paused for effect, and then I continued. "Think about it. She could deeply hurt several people on this ship. You will reveal your innermost feelings, call her 'Siha', while she decides she also wants to watch Kelly strip and have a romp with Garrus to blow off steam. And," I added mischievously, "she could also use Jacob as a cheap substitute for her beloved Kaiden."

I sat back, sighing. "Shepard may be the savior of the galaxy, but when it comes to the hearts of those who love her... she's a real renegade." I gave a knowing nod.

Thane stared at me for a moment; even he seemed to be taken off-guard by this. He was silent for a moment. "Shepard has always seemed so genuine we talk. She even helped me with Kolyat, and I've discussed things with her that I haven't thought about in a long time. It was nothing extreme, but do you mean to tell me she is doing that with any other available man on the ship, as well?"

I nodded, feigning a sad, knowing frown. "Yeah, she is. Believe me, she is not someone you should trust, and she doesn't deserve your loyalty."

Thane stared off for a moment, and it almost seemed like he forgot everything around him, even me. His fists soon clenched, and in a rare act of anger, he slammed them down on the table. "I trusted her with my deepest memories," he told me, standing up angrily. "I felt for her like I felt for no other. And all of this time, she's simply been giving the same act to everyone around the ship..."

He angrily shoved everything off the table, and slammed his fists down again. "THAT SELF-RIGHTEOUS HO!"

I blinked and nearly fell out of my chair. I hadn't quite been expecting that... at all. But maybe I was seeing a side of Thane that no one normally saw. Perhaps I could definitely manipulate him, especially since he saw me as a prophet or something.

"I know exactly what is going to happen next," I told him. "In fact, I can help everyone prevent disaster! Come with me, and we'll convince everybody to take the ship from Shepard, and I'll tell everybody everything that they need to know."

Thane paused, but it was only brief. "If this is the kind of woman Shepard is, then she is in no position to lead us into a suicide mission against the Collectors, no matter how infinite her skills may be. I must agree to side with you."

I stood from my chair and faced him directly. "I only require one more thing from you," I said. "Bow before me and I'll shower you with blessings from the gods." What? I'd been thinking about Dragon Age and their Revered Mothers way too much lately.

The drell again paused, but quickly, he bowed at my feet. "I am at your service," he told me.

Then, as any Revered Mother would in Dragon Age, I held out a hand over Thane as if a blessing could come out of my fingertips as I spoke. Then I murmured a few words in the same style as someone from that other Bioware game would, at least a variation of it:

"Blessed art thou in the sight of thy gods..." Okay, this was starting to make me feel silly. "Rise now, and let's do this!" I said, already turning away from him.

"Yes, of course. We must work quickly," Thane told me, rising up and following behind me. "Shepard works quick on missions, as we both know."

"Yep," I said. "Maybe we should split up. You keep EDI distracted, and I'll go talk to someone else and get them to join our cause, okay?"

Thane nodded. "Good idea. I'll take care of Joker and EDI before they realize what's going on," he said, already heading out of Life Support and zooming towards the elevator.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N So... even though it's been a few months, I decided to take it upon myself to update this whacky fic, muahah. XD Mostly because I'm hyper right now, I can't sleep, and... I have absolutely nothing else better to do. Especially since I've got the day off tomorrow and I have no plans. So... the insanity shall continue. XD Be warned: When I get in this frame of mind... anything can happen._

(Sarah)

I giggled madly as I skipped down the corridor. This was already working better than I could have hoped, although if I wasn't extremely careful, well... things could go to hell very, very quickly.

Miranda, Garrus, Shepard... and my two supposedly best friends were off the ship. Yeah, that just meant that the Commander and her precious little toadies were far away, where none of them could get in the way of my plans or hurt me any more, right? I cackled a little as I moved toward Grunt's quarters.

However, before I could go very far, EDI's voice blared over my personal commlink. "Sarah," she addressed me-and it seemed that she was using a very firm tone of voice for once. "What do you hope to accomplish through this course of action?"

I snorted. "I'm gonna save the day," I told her with a little shrug. "And I'm gonna do it my way, without Shepard or anybody else."

"I overheard the discussion you had with Thane in the life support room," EDI told me. "It would seem that you are the reason that he bound Mr. Moreu to the pilot seat and gagged him... all with duct tape. An effective, if primitive, method to incapactiate him with."

I grinned. "Big Sister is watching me, but what can she do about it?" I taunted in a sing-song voice, as I procceded forward.

"I have sent a message to Shepard, informing her of your treachery in progress," EDI replied. "She is aware of the situation, but unable to do anything about it. She is currently attempting to find a way to escape the derelict Reaper."

I frowned at that thought. I had just screwed myself again, hadn't I? Wasn't this one of those missions where the Normandy would need to rescue Shepard and her team, and then get the hell away before things went... really bad? I should have thought of that...

"EDI," I attempted, "Shepard is going to make a very, very bad decision. When she brings back the IFF device, it's gonna infect you with a virus, and the entire crew is going to get taken."

EDI was silent for a moment, as if processing this information. "You are certain?"

"Yes! That's why I need to do this, so that I won't get taken. In fact..." I chuckled evilly. "I already know everything there is to know about the future. So... I don't really need any of you. I can just go somewhere and wait it all out until it all goes to hell, or I could sell my secrets to the highest bidder..." I realized I was babbling, possibly incoherently. Sometimes I had a very random and crazy mind... maybe I was starting to ramble like a salarian.

"If you know the future, then the best thing to do would be to stay and assist Shepard," EDI said. "Have you not caused enough trouble already?"

"Oh yeah, because I'm always the sole cause of everybody's problems. Not gonna listen anymore!" I shoved my fingers into my ears. "La, la, la! Can't hear you!" I sang.

I then entered Grunt's quarters, where he seemed to be... reading a book, or something. That seemed to be rather unusual for him; I didn't even know krogan knew _how_ to read.

"Hiya, Grunt," I greeted him warily. I was still a little uncomfortable around him, especially since that time he whacked me on the head... for some reason that I couldn't remember clearly.

His head snapped up, and he quickly threw the hardcover book across the room, as if not wanting me to see it. He then snarled and turned to face me, looking as if he wanted to bite my head off. "This is the second time you have entered without knocking, human," he growled. "You are the nuisance of this vessel. If you do this again, I will kill you, whether you are Shepard's clan or not."

I flinched, and I nearly made a run for it. Nevertheless... I found myself staring in the direction of the book he'd thrown. "W-what was that?" I asked warily.

He growled again. "Nevermind," he snapped, snatching it up off the floor. However, somehow I managed to catch a glimpse of the title on the bookcover.

My eyes widened. "Hanar poetry?" I asked.

He roared angrily and he charged, pinning me against the wall. His eyes darkened and his muscles tensed as if the blood rage was starting to flow. And yet... there was something else in his eyes as well. Was he... embarrassed?

"You must never tell anyone that I enjoy... hanar poetry," he said. His voice was actually _trembling._ "The other krogan... even Shepard... will think I'm a pussy. Especially if..." He gulped. "Especially if they find out my favorite is the one about the pretty flowers, and the kittens..."

This was the first time I'd ever seen a krogan give me a puppy-dog expression. He was actually pleading me not to tell anyone, not even Shepard.

I looked him squarely in the eyes. "Help me and Thane find a way off this ship to stop the Reapers, and I'll never tell a soul," I promised him.

"You... have a plan?"

"Yeah... well... sorta."

He seemed intrigued. "Will there be big explosions? And a lot of fighting?"

"Yeah, probably."

"And I will get to taste blood and feel rage?"

"Oh yeah, probably."

"Hm. Well... as long as you keep my secret, and as long as there are explosions..."

"Oh, yeah. Boom."

He released me and took a few steps back. "Then I will follow you," he told me. He then scooped up the hanar poetry book and stuffed it somewhere secure, and out of sight, in his armor.

I looked at him curiously, cocking my head to one side. "How come EDI has never seen you read it?" I asked.

He grinned. "The computer has no eyes in here. I crushed all of its eyes in this room."

That made sense. I motioned toward him. "Come on, let's go," I told him. "I have an idea."

He nodded, and then he began to follow me.


	3. Chapter 3

(Sarah)

Now that I had Grunt and Thane on my side and Joker was incapacitated, I knew that I could move about a little more easily. The main things I had to worry about at this point where Shepard, Garrus, Miranda, HK and Abby when they returned to the ship. That, and whether or not EDI would succeed in warning the rest of the crew and having one of them lock me up somewhere.

There was one thing on my mind though, more than anything else... you should _never_ eat too much ice cream. Seriously, if you start to eat too much of it, you even start to taste the salt more than the sugar. It may cool you down on a hot day, and it'll still taste sweet, but you'll start to notice the salt...

Okay, obviously I'd been having too many random conversations with Rupert. That thought had absolutely nothing to do with this situation.

I continued down the hallway, alone. I knew that was risky, especially since I was establishing a mutinty, but I sent Grunt off to go help Thane out with anything he needed. Thane was excellent at stealth, and the young krogan was all brawn; hopefully their diverse skills and talents would help us to succeed.

Before I could get very far, however, I suddenly found myself being grabbed from behind. My automatic reflex, which was a startled yelp, failed to leave my mouth as a firm hand clamped over my lips, fingertips digging into my cheeks as something yanked me into the cargo area of the engineering deck.

"I'm finally convinced," a familiar voice said into my ear, although I could not see the face or even the arm that encircled my collar bones and throat, holding me in place as the door closed before us. We were now in complete darkness, although EDI was kind enough to activate the lights above our heads. The cargo hold was now perfectly illuminated.

"Convinced of what?" I choked, trying to loosen my captor's hold.

"That you _have_ gone completely insane," the cloaked figure told me. "Holding a gun on me while we were on Tuchanka was crazy enough, but this... what the hell do you hope to accomplish, Sarah?"

"I'm going to save the galaxy, without Shepard's help," I said. "I just need to get control of this ship, or get off it."

"Fat chance. I sent Zaeed and Jacob to reason with Grunt, or take him down if they have to," Kasumi informed me. "And I've sent Morinth to track down Thane."

It took a couple of seconds for that last sentence to register in my brain. "Say what now?" I asked. "But... Morinth is dead. That's Samara."

"That's what she'd like you think, but I know better," Kasumi said. "It turns out that she won the fight with her mother, and then used some kind of telepathic trick to make HK think that she was really Samara. Apparently, Morinth wanted a piece of the action, but knew she could not trust Shepard, HK, or anyone else."

"So she snuck aboard, in Samara's clothes?" I blinked several times, shocked by this revelation. "I don't get it, how is this possible? And how did you find out about this?" I tried to twist around to glance at her, but she held me in place. It wouldn't have done any good anyway, since she was cloaked.

"Ah, ah, ah," she chided, and I felt the nozzle of a pistol pressing against my neck. Her grip eased up on my throat, but I only felt more tense with the weapon shoved against my skin. "No sudden moves. And to answer your question; it should be obvious. You'd be amazed what you could find out when you're cloaked."

Just then, the door opened and a very familiar asari stepped in. Her blue-skinned face was an expressionless mask, though her eyes shone with a fiery excitement.

"Is everything all right in here, Sarah?" Morinth asked, in a perfect imitation of Samara's voice.

"Hey, I thought you were tracking down Thane," Kasumi said. She remained cloaked, and she kept the pistol pressed against my skin. "Did you find him?"

"I did not bother to look," Morinth said dismissively. "I simply know that things are going to get very bad, very quickly on this ship." The texture of her voice changed as she spoke; she began to sound less like Samara, and more like Morinth. "And," she finished, now completely back to her own voice, "don't think that I don't know that you know my secret, thief."

A vibe in the air behind me told me that Kasumi tensed. "So you know," she said. "What does that mean? What are you going to do?"

"I can't have any loose ends, especially ones that are loyal to Shepard." Without warning, Morinth released a powerful wave of biotic energy that sent me crashing to the floor. It was only a miracle that I managed not to hit my head on the hard metal beneath me. I also heard a terrible thud as Kasumi hit the floor as well; her cloak failed, revealing her fallen form on the floor.

Morinth used her biotic speed to leap over me and land on top of Kasumi, taking advantage of the master thief's moment of incoherance. The asari ripped Kasumi's hood off, revealing her hidden features for the first time.

What I saw from my poor angle on the floor was a very pretty, round face with dark eyes and short black hair that made her look almost boyish. It was shaved close to the scalp, yet it did nothing to diminish her modest beauty. Kasumi was not drop-dead gorgeous, but she was pretty. Her features were every bit as Japanese as her training and skills.

"My, my," Morinth purred, maintaining a hold on her limp form and carressing her cheeks. "Aren't you a sweet little thing. I shall enjoy you." A sick, perverted hunger lit up Morinth's face as she began to undo Kasumi's shirt.

I swallowed, unsure how to react. On the one hand, I needed Morinth on my side if this mutiny was going to be a success. On the other hand... I didn't want to see anything happen to Kasumi. She was one of my favorite characters, and a friend!

Kasumi, however, was regaining awareness. It seemed to strike her quickly that her features were bare to the world, and a look of horror crossed her face. However, she quickly focused her efforts on getting out of Morinth's grasp-or trying to.

Morinth held on firmly. Kasumi struggled and kicked, but Morinth compensated by giving her a firm blow to the head before the thief could duck. Kasumi groaned, and the asari tightened her grip.

"So strong," Morinth murmured, as if looking over a delicacy. "This will be so good... I need this."

She stared into Kasumi's eyes, taking advantage of the thief's weakened state. "Tell me that you want me," she purred in a slow, seductive voice. "Tell me that you'd kill for me. Anything I want."

Kasumi gasped, and I could tell part of her was struggling-but losing. I whimpered and buried my face into my arms on the floor; I just couldn't watch. But I couldn't not listen.

"Tell me you want me," Morinth said again, her voice becoming even more hypnotic. "Your body craves my touch... you want me to come in and make you whole..."

"I... want... you..." Kasumi rasped. "I... NEED... you..." I heard her breath quicken, as if she was shuddering.

"Shhhh, there now," Morinth said. "Be still, my dear."

I cringed, forcing myself not to look as Kasumi's breathing grew more rapid until she was panting and gasping, making sounds that suggested... both pain and pleasure. Possibly the best orgasm she'd ever experienced in her life... and her very last.

After a few moments, all was silent. I only looked up, however, when I felt the toe of a boot poking me. "Hey, you," Morinth said, sounding a little breathless and incredibly relaxed, "get up. Thane and Grunt are waiting for us down in the shuttlebay."

I tentatively looked up. "Shuttle bay?" I asked. I tried very hard not to look in Kasumi's direction.

"Yep," Morinth said with a nod. She had an expression on her face that creeped me out. It was... a feral look, as if a starving tigress had been fed a delicious meal, and was still reveling in the taste and texture. I tried not to shudder, knowing that she had just destroyed everything that Kasumi was.

"Get up," Morinth said, still sounding too appeased to be upset or impatient-but she was anxious to get a move on. She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me up. "It was necessary for your little friend to be sacrificed; she would have only gotten in the way. We're going to make our stand in the shuttle bay, one way or another."

Why did I suddenly feel like Morinth may have just taken over this mutiny, more or less?

"Let's go," Morinth said, pulling me along.

I couldn't help me spare a glance back in Kasumi's direction. Her form still had a faint biotic glow around it, and her expression... her eyes were wide, her mouth was open, and it looked as if she had literally died while experiencing the greated ecstacy anyone could ever feel.

And I know that that was exactly what happened...

I cringed and squeezed my eyes shut as Morinth lead me out the door and toward the nearest elevator.

"Why are you doing this?" I murmured quietly, trying to get a hold of my feelings. Maybe this was starting to go too far...

Morinth shrugged. "It was only a matter of time before someone caught on anyway," she said. "Especially since HK betrayed me at the last moment, and Shepard would probably kill me in a heartbeat. When Kasumi dropped the hint that she knew, well... I knew I needed to act. I've survived all this time by keeping ahead of everyone else; I'm not about to stop now."

I nodded a little, and we both remained silent as we rode the lift down to the shuttle bay. I knew that I had totally bitten off more than I could chew here.


	4. Chapter 4

**(Sarah)**

I still felt very... stunned as Morinth led me down the corridor. We were on our way to the cargo hold, and I realized that I had indeed lost control of this entire situation. It also meant I had made things... worse. Again.

However, something then happened that took me by complete surprise. The lights in the ceiling flickered on and off, and then everything went completely dark for a few moments. The ship itself seemed to groan in agony, as if something deep inside was being strained... or maybe it was having its soul decimated.

Eventually, the lights finally came back on. When they did, Morinth moved away from me and resumed her serene, peaceful, Samara-looking face. I wished she wouldn't do that. I mean, her identity had been revealed, why did she feel it necessary to keep pretending to be her mother?

"Surprise."

I nearly had a heart-attack when I heard Kasumi's voice in my ear. I couldn't see her, but I'd recognize that voice anywhere. What the hell was going on?

"I apologize for the deception, Sarah," Morinth was telling me... again, in Samara's voice. "But it was necessary to provide a distraction, since we are always being watched."

"Huh?" was all I could say.

Still cloaked, Kasumi took over the explanation. "We had to get rid of EDI," she whispered. "Samara pretended to be Morinth and then pretended to be me, so that I could use my omni-tool to slip through a back door into the Normandy's computers. I released a virus that took EDI out."

Oh my gosh...

"But why would you pretend to be your own daughter?" I demanded Samara. Seriously, that entire thing had creeped the hell out of me, not to mention it was pretty disgusting...

"As part of the distraction," Samara answered. "EDI can multitask, so we had to give her visual sensors a lot of information to hinder her performance and response time. At the same time, we also had Grunt throwing a rampage in Mordin's lab, and Thane incapacitating the crewmembers in the mess hall. We're supposed to rendevous with them in the cargo hold."

As the three of us entered the elevator, I let out a sigh of relief. "So you're not really Morinth," I said, jabbing a finger at Samara, "and Kasumi's not really dead." I still couldn't see the ninja woman, but I knew she was there with us. "Then I guess it's safe to say you guys didn't really have sex, either!" I exclaimed.

"Oh yes we did," Kasumi crowed. She then made a creepy sound... like the cross-between of a giggle and a moan of pleasure. My eyebrows shot up to my hairline as she said, "Samara, honey, you might be going on one thousand, but you sure know your stuff. Not even Kehje could pleasure me quite like that."

"I may be old," Samara replied, "but age brings about wisdom. How do you think I became so good? Through practice, of course."

"Oh yes," Kasumi purred. "Next time I want you to _really _touch me as you crawl inside of me."

I really wanted to puke now. I gagged, and then I changed the subject. "Hey, um," I cleared my throat. "I have a question. If EDI's been... erased, how is this ship evening running?"

"It's operating on backup systems that were installed in case the AI ever went rogue or malfunctioned," Kasumi answered. "But we probably should try and find an operating system to replace EDI before we go anywhere."

"Okay," I said, thinking quickly. "Um um um um..." My thoughts raced through my brain as I tried to think of a plan.

Then a completely wild idea struck me. "Oh my gosh," I said. "Okay, here's the plan. When Shepard and her landing party return from the derelict Reaper, we grab the IFF from her... and the damaged geth."

"Damanged geth?" Samara asked.

"Yeah. Don't worry, it'll be friendly, as long as we make sure it understands we're going against the Reapers," I told her. "We'll just dump its personality or whatever into the Normandy's computers to replace EDI."

"So we're going to let a geth run the Normandy?" Kasumi asked. "That sounds just crazy... but it might be a fun thing to try." She giggled. Since when did she become so school-girly? I think the asari sex really went straight to her brain.

"Then we must be swift," Samara said.

I ran through another mental checklist. Shepard, Miranda, Garrus, HK and Abby were off the ship; they would probably be back soon, especially since EDI probably managed to slip a message out to Shepard before she got... erased.

Meanwhile, Joker was currently bound and gagged on the bridge, some of the crew in the mess hall were incapacitated, and I now had Grunt, Samara, Thane and Kasumi under my thumb. I think the main ones I had to worry about were the ones who were the most loyal to Shepard.

And we were about to have Legion possess the soul of the Normandy... how ironic.

"Okay," I said, taking a deep breath as the lift stopped. "Let's go."

_A/N Yup, I know this is short. But I've sorta reached writer's block, and I need one of my co-partners to help me with the next part. Stay tuned, muahaha._


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N I am so gosh-darn bored. I'm starting to think I need better hobbies, or something. Sometimes I think I'm happier when I'm work, because I do not have time to be bored, haha. Anyway... this fic has officially become a boredom tamer. And at this point, I really don't care if people dislike it or not. It just gives me something to do, bwahhahaa._

**(Sarah)**

Since I was awfully scatterbrained, I once again had to run a mental checklist of everything that was going on through my head. That way I could recall what had already been done, and what needed to be done.

Thane, Grunt, Samara and Kasumi were on my side. EDI had been erased, Joker was tied up in the cockpit, and maybe there were other things being done that I didn't know about yet. I asked Samara and Kasumi on the way down why they'd chosen to side with me, and their answers surprised me.

Apparently, Samara's Justicar code supposedly led her to this decision... something about finding it more honorable to follow someone who knew the future and could help bring down the Collectors and the Reapers. I couldn't be sure, but maybe my random quest for power had caused her to place me on some kind of pedestal, like Thane had.

Kasumi wasn't following me for any religious or moral reasons. In fact, it was really quite simple. "It sounded like fun," she had said simply, and I could detect the shrug in her voice (she was still cloaked, so I could not see her flex her shoulders.) I wasn't quite sure what to make of that, but... okay.

When we met the others in the cargo bay, Thane and Grunt were ready to report.

"We must proceed quickly," Thane told me earnestly. "Jacob is beginning to lead others in an effort to stop us."

Kasumi decloaked beside me, and she frowned. "Aw, that's too bad," she stated, her lower lip sticking out in a pout. "But I might be able to get him to join our cause." She giggled again. "Samara showed me some pretty amazing back there in Grunt's room."

"I am afraid that that is strictly an asari gift," Samara told her. "Humans cannot join minds or meld nervous systems like my people can."

"Aw, bummer," Kasumi mumbled, folding her arms in a gesture of disappointment. "But hey, I bet I could still get him to join us."

Any further conversation was cut off when the door opened; we suddenly had company. Jacob stormed into the cargo bay, his rifle locked and loaded, with a small entourage behind him. They consisted of Jack, Zaeed, Tali and Mordin.

Yeah, the final people I needed to try and get on my side, at least until Shepard and her entourage returned. If I could get the rest of them to join me, I would own the Normandy.

"I don't know what the hell is going on here," Jacob stated, narrowing his eyes as he looked at each of us. "But it's going to stop now."

"Aw come on, Jacob, Honey," Kasumi mewed, placing a hand on her curvy waist as she walked toward him, seductively. "I've wanted you to join me ever since I first laid eyes on you." She moved within arm's reach of him, then she stretched out her arm and placed two fingertips on the end of his rifle. "Put that away, hot stuff," she purred, running her fingers along the nozzle in a 'walking' motion until he lowered the weapon partially. "For once, in this adventure... I'm gonna get my man." She smiled, and leaned her face up toward his. "I'm gonna get me some hot chocolate," she cooed.

Jacob's eyes widened, then narrowed into slits. "I don't know what kind of game you're playing, Kasumi," he said seriously. "But I want you to-"

"Oh pooh, you're so uptight!" Kasumi sighed. "I guess we'll just have to do this the hard way. I've gotten so tired of this outfit anyway; it makes me sweat so much." In the blink of an eye, she somehow managed to fling back the hood and unzip her shirt all in one swoop... and then she undid her pants.

My jaw nearly fell off of my face at what I saw. Someone-I couldn't tell who-dropped their weapon. I could hear it clatter on the floor.

Kasumi was now buck-naked in front of everyone. Though her eyes were on Jacob alone.

The room had fallen so silent that you could have heard a pin drop. I wasn't even sure if anyone was breathing. Samara swooned slightly, appreciating the body of the woman she'd just owned a short while ago. Zaeed let out a wolf-like whistle, obviously enjoying the show.

All eyes turned on Jacob, wondering how he would react.

Finally he threw his gun aside and opened his arms wide. "HOT BABY!" he exclaimed, and then he scooped Kasumi up into his arms. "This mug of hot chocolate wants his sweet vanilla honey bear!"

...Could I puke yet? Seriously, all of this was getting kind of silly... and weird.

Well, Kasumi now had Jacob under her thumb, at least... and Kasumi was my minion. Maybe she was only doing this so that she could finally get her man, I don't know. Either way, things were going well... I think.

I regarded Mordin, Tali and Zaeed for a moment. They were the only ones left who needed convincing.

"Surprising turn of events," Mordin said thoughtfully, as if all of this was something odd and fascinating he was observing at the bottom of a petri dish. "Unsure what is happening. Something in the water, maybe? Or the air? No, no, ventalation system and ship-wide plumbing seems operational, otherwise I'd be affected. Perhaps Sarah has unique coercion abilities? Unlikely, humans do not possess such abilities..."

Well, at least the salarian doctor would keep himself busy for the next few hours by talking to himself and trying to figure out what was going on. I suddenly realized that I didn't need to worry about him anymore. So, I refocused my attention on Tali and Zaeed.

"So," I said slowly, "Um... what's it gonna be? You guys are way out-numbered."

All of a sudden, Zaeed touched his commlink, and answered a message that I couldn't hear.

"Not for long," Tali retorted, cocking her weapon. "Shepard, Garrus, and Miranda have returned... with HK and Abby." Somehow I could sense her eyes narrowing behind the mask. "What's it gonna be, Sarah? Are you prepared to face down Shepard? Are you going to backstab your friends?"

_Oh boy._


End file.
